when everything is lonely
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Here I am typing as I spin on a massive planet, falling down towards the center, in loops surrounded by stars and asteroids spinning, crashing, exploding. Here I am chasing ghosts, chasing meaning, digging for the roots. It’s for the smell of iron in the soil, the meaning in sweat, and the comfort in being held beneath the sky as if our arms protect us when the heavens fall.
If I were a honey bee I would work all of my life to give you the honey you love, I want to have the honey you need.
Will you protest when I grow old, needing new streets, new feet to walk a new world? I stay up with the stars, here I am, wanting nothing more than to explore the world with you by my side, to give you diversity and security.
I worry that one day a bat will smack my face and my head will roll out of the clouds and into the ground, teeth and blood with grass, rock-like skin so crass.
Sometimes your eyes are olive green, sometimes your eyes are rosewood.
I’d like to kiss you in the waking of every day and in between the chapters of your books.
Today I learned that if you soak strawberries in oxygen they become soft and lose their bitter taste.
Most importantly I learned and felt you, I felt your shape, I felt your laughter, and I learned a new way to cry. I learned to cry with words of courage.
I love you…..
found this in drafts from months ago
Reality allows room for innovation, the problems in your life are ready for solutions. It becomes our job to look for solutions to our problems and the problems of others. With everything that you do, you contribute to someones need or desire. Impossibility is absent in the realm of inspiration. You can realistically become the bridge for gaps. There are gaps all over the planet between billions of people with independent areas waiting to be fulfilled. Invite passion into your life to open the door to opportunities. Many of us have great opportunities or possess very important tools, one being internet connection. We have the power to network with one another and we should not take this for granted. We should steer away from gratification, we have so much to be thankful for. Close the door on greed because it will rob you blind of who you are and what you really want. Perhaps I am biased when I look at humans and see suffering, perhaps the suffering is merely inside of myself. Perhaps, perhaps suffering is universal and it can bring us apart
I honestly have not stopped crying, screaming, wanting to jump off a bridge since the second I woke up. It doesn’t help that it’s been pouring outside all day long. I don’t know how to shake off the sadness anymore. I’m missing a feeling, searching for a feeling I had once long ago that no longer exists, I’m searching for an innocence that was taken from me years ago.
There’s an innocence in new beginnings and new adventures, so I search for those and waste time trying to fill holes. I want to be loved unconditionally more than anything but really I want to give up. I want to die. I really don’t know what else is more real in my feelings than my desire for death. It is with me everywhere I go, it is always there, like a ghost following me telling me to just give up to slit my wrists in the kitchen to run in front of the cars. No one wants to help me and I’ve tried for years. I know only I can save myself, and I won’t kill myself, I’m not a threat to my safety. I just want to die so badly.
I don’t remember the last time I trusted a man.
Tonight I closed my eyes until I had a clear image of your face and body. There were colors and your scent, mostly the surge of happiness that empowers my body with love. I too was present in the image, standing over you as you sat on a chair of red velvet. I told you how I felt about you.
I want to be hit.
